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AARON BOGGS, FRESHMAN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Comedy in 3 acts; 8 males, 8 
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ALL ON ACCOUNT OF POLLY 

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AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW 

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CLUBBING A HUSBAND 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy in 3 acts; 12 fe¬ 
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A COLLEGE TOWN 

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THE FIFTEENTH OF JANUARY 

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IN 

HOT TAMALE LAND 


A Topical, Tropical Musical Comedy 
in Two Acts 


BY 

Geoffrey F. Morgan 

Former Superintendent of Schools , Athens , Ohio 

AUTHOR OF 
“A Royal Cut-Up ” 



CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 
Publishers 






IN HOT TAMALE LAND 




cNOTICE 

iRODUCTION OF THIS PLAY 


■*- is free to amateurs, but all pro¬ 
fessional rights are reserved. In¬ 
quiries concerning professional lease 
should be addressed in care of the 
Publishers. Moving picture rights 
reserved. *"0 /'D 



COPYRIGHT, 1921 

c By r 

GEOFFREY F. MORGAN 


©CI.D 


5 8 0 5 5 



IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Ezra McWhackle . A Pickle King 

Bobby Hunter . Honest Though Poor 

Ned Barlow.. , . 

Bobbv s Tnends 


i 


Dick Baxter. 

Don Soda Di Poppo . Ruler of Hot Tamale Land 

Punko Doro. .Walking Delegate of the Bullfighters’ Union 

Eleanor . Ezra’s Daughter 

Agatha Fidget ... Eleanor’s Chaperon 

Dolores . Daughter of the Don 

Juanita . A Shy Senorita 

Sehoritas, Toreadors, American Girls, American Boys, 
American Bluejackets, Herald, Etc. 


Place— In Hot Tamale Land 


Act I — Courtyard of the Royal Palace 


Act II —The Same, that Afternoon 


Time of Playing— About Two Hours 

















4 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


TYPES AND COSTUMES 

“Hot Tamale Land” is an imaginary territory somewhere 
in the tropic zone, where the costumes of the people resemble 
those of Spaniards, Gypsies and Pirates. It is, in brief, a 
typical land of comic opera. 

The masculine natives are referred to in the text as bull¬ 
fighters, and the feminine denizens as senoritas; The boys 
should wear scarfs, sashes, and the traditional costume of 
the arena, while the girls should wear typical Spanish cos¬ 
tumes with bright flowers in their hair, embroidered shawls, 
fans, combs, all with plenty of variety and color. The 
American sailors wear the regulation uniform, white or 
blue. The American boys and girls are dressed in modern 
costume, as smart as possible, and suggesting the summer 
resort or the boardwalk. 

The principals are: 

McWhackle —Typical down-east Yankee, made-up with 
goatee; wears frock coat or cutaway, light trousers, elastic 
side shoes, low collar, red tie, silk hat; carries red handker¬ 
chief ; talks with a twang; has happy disposition, is fond 
of Eleanor, and would enjoy life if it were not for 

Agatha Fidget —Prim and precise old maid; clothes in 
style of bygone age; sharp and shrewish, quick of tongue, 
plain face and figure; acts as guardian to 

Eleanor —Charming American girl, dainty and attrac¬ 
tive, and much in love with 

Bobby —A rather small, mild, but thoroughly likeable 
young fellow. He should be gentle, but not effeminate. He 
appears first as a stowaway, costume ragged and untidy, 
with bare feet, if possible, and a general look of hardship 
and misery. His next costume is that of the well-dressed 
young man, and the third, that of the toreador. This 
should be comic—red pants, hat too large for him, blouse 
with lace collar, and long sword. He is-the chum of 

Ned and Dick —Two wholesome young fellows of college 
age, well bred and well dressed, who are much taken with 



IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


5 


Dolores and Juanita —Brightly dressed in costumes like 
that of Carmen; they are bright and animated, “familiar 
but by no means vulgar,” and related to 

Don Soda —The ruler of Hot Tamale Land, a fierce, well- 
whiskered man, aged about fifty; haughty and dignified, 
who fears no one except 

Punko Doro —Who is a loud, domineering fellow, with 
huge, fierce mustaches and an exaggerated Toreador cos¬ 
tume. He is the walking delegate of Local No. 23, Bull¬ 
fighters’ Lffiion of Hot Tamale Land, and don’t you for¬ 
get it! 

It is especially intended that the different groups in the 
chorus should appear in the various musical numbers. Thus 
the sailors may assist in the chorus of one song, the senoritas 
in another, and the American boys and girls in a third. In 
this way each group will have to master only two or three 
numbers. The Senoritas and Toreadors should be equal in 
number, likewise the American girls and boys, so that they 
may “pair off’’ in the chorus work. 


NOTES FOR THE DIRECTOR 

“In Hot Tamale Land” is a comedy with music, the plan 
being to use the dialogue as presented herewith, and adapt 
such popular music as may seem suited. This will not prove 
as difficult as it seems, since care has been taken to make the 
story complete in the lines, thus allowing the use of a wide 
variety of songs. Some effort should be made, of course, to 
make them suitable to the general character of the scene. 
Bobby, Ned, or Eleanor, when alone on the stage, should be 
assigned a love ballad; McWhackle, the Don and Punko 
should have comic numbers, and so should Ned, Nick and 
Bobby after the scene with the dog in Act II. The chorus 
numbers should be bright and swinging, with fairly regular 
rhyme and rhythm, allowing for the devising of simple 
steps. Elaborate dancing is not essential—merely walking 
to and fro in strict time to the music gives a good effect. 
Place has also been made for the introduction of two or 



6 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


three specialties in the way of drills or solo dances, which 
may be given by persons no't appearing in other parts of the 
play if desired. Don’t be afraid of putting life and action 
into the performance. Played with energy and enthusiasm, 
it can be counted on to afford plenty of lively fun and 
entertainment. 


ON STAGING AND REHEARSING. 

It is difficult to make many suggestions which will be of 
general value, because the problem of staging an amateur 
show varies with every school that undertakes it. The fol¬ 
lowing hints may be helpful, however, to those who have 
had only limited experience, and especially to schools. 

Selecting the Cast. —The best way to select the cast is 
to call all candidates together, explain the character of the 
play to them, and then distribute books, or a type-written 
sheet or two, and hold try-outs before a committee. This 
gives everyone an equal chance and avoids charges of favor¬ 
itism which are apt to be made if the players are selected 
in advance. Before making its selections, however, the com¬ 
mittee should always consult with the music teacher, Eng¬ 
lish teacher, and others, in order to be sure that the pupils 
chosen have the required talents for the part. Pupils who 
must work in teams, such as the American boys and girls, 
should be chosen as far as possible from the same “set” or 
“crowd,” so that the group will be harmonious. Avoid 
idlers, troublesome pupils and those who are not wholly 
reliable. 

In addition to the first cast, it is well for the committee 
to pick a list of alternates, so that gaps in the original cast 
may be easily filled. The best plan is to promote from the 
ranks and then fill the vacant place with an understudy. 

When once the cast and chorus have been chosen, the 
rehearsals should be conducted separately. Few things are 
more discouraging for young actors than to be asked to 
stand and wait while a chorus is being drilled, and in the 
same way it is weary work for the chorus to wait while 



IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


7 


two people rehearse a dialogue. Let the ten principals 
work alone, learning the stage business, the exits and en¬ 
trances, and the solos, while the chorus meets with the 
musical director at another time and place. Then, after 
two weeks of preliminary practice, it will give new life 
and interest to the rehearsals to bring the whole group 
together for the complete practice. 

Perhaps a few hints on the method of rehearsal will not 
be out of place. We will take the principals first. Set the 
hour for rehearsals and see to it that everyone is there on 
time. Don’t run the practice for more than an hour and a 
half at the most, but make every minute count. Start going 
through the business, or action, at the very first rehearsal. 
Never let a player say, “I’ll do that on the night of the 
show,” or make excuses. Put everything in the first re¬ 
hearsal that you expect to have at the last one, and then 
spend all the other rehearsals polishing it and making it 
smooth and finished. By all means avoid delaying the re¬ 
hearsal while you discuss such matters as costume and 
make-up with an individual performer. Do that at another 
time. Keep going, make everybody work, and stop while 
they still want to go on. 

Let the principals learn their songs at another time, not 
while the practice is going on. Once they are learned, how¬ 
ever, they should be sung as they occur in the course of 
the piece. If your singers are not experienced, do not 
require more than one stanza of a solo. Remember that 
business, or action, is just as important as words in a com¬ 
edy. The best way to coach is to show by example just 
how it should be done. Make the actor stand out in front, 
and watch the gestures, and hear the lines, as the coach 
delivers them. Don’t waste much time asking the actor to 
think, and to reason, and to use his imagination. You will 
save much time and get better results by demonstrating 
just how it goes. If you realize that a player is hopeless, 
drop him, or shift him to a minor part, before it is too 
late. Do not wait till the last week; it is almost impossible 
then. 


8 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Insist that the principals learn their lines by the third 
or fourth rehearsal. The spoken part is not long and the 
lines are short and easy. Don’t waste time letting players 
go on reading aloud to each other. There is no freedom 
while the book is used. Buy plenty of books, by the way, 
and don’t waste time and energy having pupils copy parts. 
It is far cheaper to supply everyone with a play-book. 

In rehearsing the chorus, the first step is to gather the 
troupe around a piano and teach them all the words and 
tunes of all the songs used. This applies to the refrain, 
of course, since they will have no occasion to use the verse. 
Do not attempt to teach any steps, or entrances, or exits, or 
motions of any kind, until the chorus can sing every word of 
every song. Of course all the actors do not appear in all 
the numbers, but it will save time to teach them in any case. 

Once the songs are known, take each group separately 
and drill it in the required steps and business. A good 
solo, for example, is sung by Eleanor. She is alone on the 
stage at the time, but it gives a pretty effect to have all the 
boys, or the sailors, or eight girls and eight boys, appear 
from the wings during the chorus, and go through some 
simple steps. These should be explained a line at a time 
and then rehearsed and rehearsed so that when the number 
is tried out with Eleanor present it will go without a hitch. 
The entrance of Punko introduces a comic song and dance. 
This should be really comic and call for some prancing steps 
by the chorus. The best plan is to select a four-line or 
eight-line stanza and then devise steps which fit the same 
number of counts. Be sure that the chorus comes in 
promptly on the first line and leaves just as promptly on the 
last. Be sure to rehearse all encores, and train the pupils to 
hold themselves in readiness to repeat the original entrance. 
This is not always easy, because they may leave the stage 
in a different order from that required for entrance. 

With the chorus rehearsals, as with the cast, the impor¬ 
tant thing is to keep them busy, to leave no time for loafing, 
and to stop before they want you to. Then, when both 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


9 


groups have the play well in hand, call a full rehearsal and 
begin fitting the whole thing together. They will be rattled, 
of course, and much repetition will be necessary, but it will 
round out in time. 

An excellent plan during the period of rehearsals is to 
have an informal party and “spread” after the evening’s 
practice. Many schools have a banquet, with the dreaded 
toasts, and so forth, after a performance is over, but an 
informal meal while the work of preparation is going on 
will do far more for the spirit and enthusiasm of the cast, 
and for the success of the performance. 

The whole time of preparation should not exceed four 
weeks. It can be done in three, but the work is more in¬ 
tensive. Don’t let it drag, in any case. Actors and coach 
alike lose interest and spirit, and the show is apt to “go 
dead,” as the saying is. Need I say that tickets should 
be sold in advance and the play well advertised? No, if 
you ever had anything to do with an amateur show in your 
life, I need not! 


STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C., center; R. C., right center; 
L., left; 1 E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; R. 3 E., 
right entrance up stage, etc.; up stage, away from footlights ; 
down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be 
facing the audience. 



IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Act I. 

Scene: Courtyard of the Don's palace in Hot Tamale 
Land. This may be a garden, park or woodland setting. 
Wings suggesting Spanish or Moorish architecture, with 
tiled roofs and latticed windows, are desirable but not es¬ 
sential. A garden wall across stage near back drop, with 
proad gatezvay at C., will add to the effect and will assist 
a large chorus to get on and off quickly. But side entrances 
only will serve if necessary. (While adequate scenery is a 
help, it is not essential, for the zvhole play can be presented 
on any platform which has entrances R. and L.) 

(Opening Chorus by Juantta, Senoritas and Toreadors, 
with solo, if desired, by Juanita, and finishing with full 
chorus.) 

Enter Punko from back, pushing his zvay through the 

crowd. 

Punko (fiercely). Girls, what was all that crying T 
heard ? 

Chorus. Why, we were singing! 

Punko. What, did you think that was singing? 

Chorus. Yes. 

Punko. My, my, how easily some people are deceived! 
But this is no time for singing. Haven’t yo'u heard the 
news ? 

Chorus. No. 

Punko. Don Lemonadio di Gingerbeerio, the greatest 
bullfighter of all Hot Tamale Land, is dead. 

Chorus (with distress and regret). Dead! 

Punko. Yes, he died this morning from injuries received 
from El Toro, the fiercest and most dangerous animal ever 
fought by Local No. 23 of the Bullfighters’ Union. 

10 



IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


11 


Juanita. How many men does that make altogether who 
have been killed by El Toro? 

Punko. Seven. 

Chorus. Seven ? 

Punko. Yes, seven come eleven. (Snaps fingers.) Why, 
they even expect me to fight El Toro! 

Juanita. When will that be? 

Punko. Never. The slaughter has gone far enough. 
I’m worried sick. I feel as washed out as a pair of socks 
in - laundry (localize). But I have resolved to call a 

halt. 

Juanita. How? 

Punko. As walking delegate of Local 23 of the Bull¬ 
fighters’ Union, I forbid the members to continue. (Very 
pompous and haughty.) 

Chorus. Hurrah! 

Punko. We will not be horned any longer! (Sweeping 
gesture with right arm.) 

Chorus. Hurrah! 

Punko. We will stick before we get stuck! ( Gesture 
with left arm.) 

Chorus. Hurrah! 

(Solo with chorus , by Punko, Senoritas and Torea¬ 
dors.) 

(Use Spanish song if possible, but remember Punko 
is a comic character. All exit at close.) 

Don Soda and Dolores enter R. 2 E. 

Don. My dear, I have just three interests in the world. 

Dolores. And what are they? 

Don. One is raising pickles, and the second is raising 
money for bullfights, and the third is raising you. Now you 
must get married. 

Dolores. Well, what kind of a husband would you advise 
me to get? 

Don. I’d advise you to get a single man and let the hus¬ 
bands alone. What do you think of Punko Doro? 



12 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Dolores ( with contempt) . No indeed, he’s much too 
cranky. 

Don. Why, my dear, you’re as full of airs as a phono¬ 
graph. 

Dolores. That may be true, but I won’t go with a crank, 
just the same. 

Don.. Now, this is the day the wealthy American is due. 

Dolores. Who, Ezra McWhackle? 

Don. Yes, the pickle king. First we must sell him a 
shipload of pickles. And second, we must entertain him 
with a gorgeous bullfight. 

Dolores. Oh father, you’re crazy over bullfighting. 

Don. Nonsense, child. McWhackle is an American. 
All Americans are sports. Therefore he’ll enjoy a bullfight, 
especially if they fight El Toro. 

Dolores. That reminds me. Lemonadio di Gingerbeerio 
died this morning. 

Don {off-hand) . Oh well, that doesn’t matter. We must 
expect to lose a man occasionally. There are plenty more 
of them. 

Dolores. Yes, if they don’t refuse to fight. 

Don (easily). Oh I guess there’s no danger of that. And 
Dolores, my child, do your best to entertain Mr. McWhackle 
and his friends. It may mean a better price for the pickles. 

Dolores. Supposing I dance for him? 

(Duet by Don and Dolores. Use a number that affords 
good harmony for two parts, followed by simple Spanish 

dance.) ^j ter specialty, Punko enters R. 1 E. 

Punko (excited). Good news, Don Soda! The Ameri¬ 
can ship has just dropped anchor in the harbor. (Points 
off L.) 

Don. Ah, then McWhackle is here. 

Punko. Yes, and with a whole company of his friends 
and relatives. 

Dolores. Well Punko, you had better go and yank out 
the guards to guard the. Yanks. We must give them a hearty 
welcome/ 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


13 


Punko. I 11 say we must, Senorita. I’ll go and summon 
them. ( Exit quickly L.) 

Don. That fellow moves mighty fast for a walking dele¬ 
gate. 

Dolores. I should think he’d be too lazy to run. 

Don. Yes, but laziness runs in his family. 

Dolores. Perhaps he’s worried. 

Don. He is. He worries so much he might have brain 
fever, only he hasn’t any place to put it. 

Enter Punko, with Toreadors and Senoritas, L., fol¬ 
lowed by Sailors, American Boys and Girls, Eleanor, 
Ned, Dick, Agatha and McWiiackle. This introduces 
entire company except Bobby. 

(Grand Chorus. Use march to bring first group on stage, 
starting song as Sailors appear. Make this number big and 
showy as possible, working up to entrance of McWhackle 
and Agatha as climax. Group chorus at back, principals 
down stage, in this order : R., Punko, Juanita, Ned, Dick, 
Agatha, McWhackle, Eleanor, Dolores, Don, L .) 

Ezra. Well, well, folks, this is right smart of a reception 
you’re giving us. Gosh, if Pd known what was cornin’, Pd 
have put on my other collar. 

Don ( with a sweeping bow). You do us honor, Senor. 
Welcome to Hot Tamale Land. 

Ezra. How’s the pickle crop? 

Don. Fine. 

Ezra. Well, if it’s anything near as good looking as the 
girls around here—( looking around). 

Agatha (sternly). Ezra! 

Ezra (timidly). Yes, Agatha? 

Agatha. We will change the subject. 

Ezra. Yes, my dear. (Aside.) Gosh, I do hate that 
woman. Well Dook (taking out cigar) as I was saying, 
business is certainly good this year, and— 

Agatha (more sternly) . Ezra! 

Ezra (more mildly). Yes, my love? 

Agatha. What have you got in your hand? 


14 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Ezra. Why, er—why, it seems to he a see-gar. 

Agatha. Give it to me. ( Takes it and throws it on 
floor. Punko carefully steps over and screens it until foot. 
He takes it up later.) 

Ezra. Yes, my dear. (Aside.) Suffering Moses, but I 
do dislike that woman! 

Dolores. Perhaps the Senorita is tired after the journey. 

Agatha. You are right. We will withdraw and give my 
brother-in-law a chance to arrange his affairs. But Ezra— 

Ezra. Yes, honeybunch. 

Agatha. Remember now, no flirting! 

Ezra. Oh, no, my dear, of course not. (Aside.) Gosh 
darn, but I am prejudiced against that woman! 

(Repeat last chorus to clear stage. All exit hut Ezra and 
Eleanor.) 

(Eleanor goes up, L. Puts handkerchief to eyes.) 

Ezra. Why, what’s the matter, child? You’re crying. 

Eleanor. No, father, Pm not. (Turning, but still dab¬ 
bing her eyes.) 

Ezra. Yes you are, Eleanor, and I know the reason. 
It’s about that trifling Hunter fellow. 

Eleanor. Well—yes, it is. 

Ezra. Now, the best thing you can do with that boy is 
to forget him. He’s a dead one. 

Eleanor. No, he’s not. 

Ezra. Yes, he is. Why, he couldn’t show enough speed 
to get arrested in - (localize). 

Eleanor. It’s not true. You are just prejudiced against 
him because he’s poor. 

Ezra. But you know what I told him. 

Eleanor. About the ten thousand dollars ? 

Ezra. Yes, I told him he could marry you just as soon as 
he’d made that much on his own hook. 

Eleanor. That’s asking a great deal too much of him. 
A young man can’t make ten thousand dollars all at once 
these days. 

Ezra. Can’t, hey? Why, when I was his age I started 



IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


15 


clerking in a grocery store, and in two years I’d saved 
enough to buy the store. 

Eleanor. Yes, but they didn’t use cash registers in those 
days. 

Ezra. Well, there’s no use talking. Lie'll never make 
that much money, and I’ll never consent until he does, so 
you’d better be looking round for someone else. This Don 
Poppo fellow, now, he’d make you a good husband. 

Eleanor. I’d like to see him try it. I’d soon put him 
on ice. 

Ezra. All right, suit yourself. I’m going to inspect the 
pickles, and the senoritas, too, if Agatha doesn’t interrupt. 
Gee Christopher, but I do dislike that woman! (Exit L.) 

Eleanor. Marry Don Poppo, indeed! No thank you. 
I have just one heart for one little boy who has one little 
heart- for me. 

(Solo by Eleanor, with chorus by American Boys, or 
by both Boys and Girls. Should be a lively song , but not 
comic. Have Boys sing one line and Eleanor next, with 
dialogue effect. Exit all at close.) 

Enter Ned and Dick, L. 

Ned. Some little trip; eh, old man? 

Dick. I’ll say so. The joy rides aren’t all made in auto¬ 
mobiles, are they ? 

Enter Bobby, R., in ragged costume. Backs cautiously 
and doesn’t see boys. 

Ned. When I saw that daughter of Poppo’s, I felt like 
singing that old song from Floradora, “Tell me, pretty 
maiden, are there any more at home like you?” 

(Bobby backs into them. All jump.) 

Dick. Bob Hunter, what in the world are you doing 
here ? 

Ned. I’ll be hanged if it isn’t Bobby. 

Bobby. Not so loud, fellows, for heaven’s sake. Not 
so loud. (These three speeches are rapid and jumbled.) 

Ned. Yes, but Bob, where on earth did you spring from? 


16 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Bobby. Shut up, and I’ll tell you. I’m a stowaway. 

(Goes C .) 

Ned and Dick {shouting). A stowaway! 

Bobby. That’s what I said. Only you needn’t yell it all 
over the place. 

Dick. Yes, but what’s the big idea . J {Goes R.) 

Bobby. Well, you know I love Eleanor. And what’s 
more, she loves me, too. 

Ned {matter of fact). Well then, why don’t you get 
married ? 

Bobby. Because her father objects. 

Dick. Objects? 

Bobby. Yes, that’s why he brought her on this trip, just 
to separate us. Of course, I couldn't raise the price of the 
trip, but I couldn’t stand being parted from Eleanor like 
that, so I became a stowaway. 

Ned. Very brave and noble. But now what are you go¬ 
ing to do? {Goes L.) 

Bobby. I must raise ten thousand dollars. 

Ned and Dick. What? 

Bobby. Yes, ten thousand dollars. Old McWhackle said 
I couldn’t marry her unless I could -p rove m y ability by 
earning that much. 

Ned. How? 

Bobby. That’s just the point. I don’t know how, but 
you fellows, must help me to find out. But first I want to 
see Eleanor, and tell her I’m here. 

Dick. Well, you can’t do it in these clothes. You cut 
back to the ship and get some real duds, and’ then we’ll get 
our heads together. 

Bobby. We’ll make it somehow. {Going R.) Stand by 
me boys. We’ll fool old McWhackle yet. {Quick exit, 

R-) 

Ned. Well, wouldn’t that eat you! 

Dick. So the old man demanded ten thousand dollars. 

Ned {solemnly). Ten thousand dollars was a lot of 
money. 

Dick. It is yet. 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


17 


Ned. Maybe he didn't approach the old boy properly. 

Dick. I guess the trouble was that he turned around! 

Enter Dolores, L. 

Dolores. Ah, here are the two handsome gentlemen from 
North America. , 

Ned. Oh, did you hear what she called us? 

Dick. I’m not surprised. Every girl that meets me falls 
in love with me. 

Ned. Some girls don’t care what becomes of them. 

Dolores. And where do you come from ? 

Ned. We are college-bred* students from— {localize). 

Dolores. And what is college bred ? 

Ned. That’s a four years’ loaf. 

Dick. And the biggest loafers are the fellows with the 
most crust. 

Dolores. What do the people do who live in— {localize). 

Dick. Most of them are students in college. 

Dolores. And what do the people do who don’t go to 
college ? 

Dick. They do the students. 

(Trio and dance by Dolores, Dick and Ned. Chorus by 
Sailors, or by Toreadors and Senoritas. Exit all at close.) 

Enter McWhackle and Don, L. 

Don {swearing). Sacramento! San Juan Capistrano! 
Chili con-carne ! E pluribus unum! {Expand as desired.) 

Ezra {amiably interested) . What ails ye, Don? A e seem 
all het up. 

Don. Heated! I should say I am ! Accursed be these 
unions, anyhow ! 

Ezra. Yes, but why? 

Don. Punko Doro, the walking delegate of Local 23 of 
the Bullfighters’ Union, has threatened to call the whole 
bunch out on strike. 

Ezra. Why ? 

Don. Ah, they won’t face El loro. Just because he has 
killed seven men, they refuse to take any further chances. 



18 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Ezra. How prejudiced ! (Accent on second syllable.) 

Don. Why, it’s ridiculous. Of course a few toreadors 
will be killed occasionally. It's part of the game. And they 
have no reason to kick. I have personally donated an ele¬ 
gant cemetery for their exclusive use. 

Ezra. And still they object to being killed? 

Don. Yes. 

Ezra. Well, it just shows how ungrateful the working 
class is getting to be, that’s all! 

Don. I had planned a festival fight for your special en¬ 
tertainment. But you sha’n’t be disappointed. I’ll find a 
toreador somewhere who will face El Toro. 

Ezra ( with sudden idea). Say, I wonder if Sister Fidget 
would volunteer. 

Don (puzzled). Sister Fidget? 

Ezra. Yes, Eleanor's guardian, you know. Of course, 
she might not win, but I don’t know as that would matter. 
Say, Don, you just can’t imagine how I dislike that woman ! 

Don. Is she mean? 

Ezra. Mean ! Why that woman is so mean she would 
steal a dead flv from a blind spider. 

Don. Well, I doubt if she’d fight with El Toro, even 
at that. But I’ll find someone who will. ( Going L.) Why, 
if he wins he will be famous! 

Ezra (following). Yes, and if he loses he’ll be buried in 
a lovely private cemetery, anyway. (Exit both, L.) 

Short pause, then Bobby, smartly dressed, enters R. 

Bobby. Well, clothes may not make the man, but they 
make all of him except his hands and face, and that’s a 
good deal. I guess I’m taking a chance in being here, but 
fellows who fall in love are generally taking some chances, 
anyway. 

(Solo by Bobby, with chorus by American Boys or Girls, 
or both. Exit chorus at close of song.) 

Eleanor enters L. 

Eleanor (not seeing Bobby). I wonder where the boys 
can be. 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


19 


Bobby. Halt, fair maid, and seek no further, replied he 
with a smile. 

Eleanor (startled). Why, Bobby Hunter, what in the 
world are you doing here ? 

Bobby. I’m talking to my future wife. 

Eleanor. Don’t be absurd. How are you feeling? 

Bobby. I’m sick. 

Eleanor. Sick? 

Bobby. Yes, I can’t eat, can’t sleep at night, no appetite, 
all shot to pieces. 

Eleanor. Why don’t you take something for it? 

Bobby. I’m going to. 

Eleanor. What are you going to take? 

Bobby. You. * 

Eleanor. But you know father won’t let you. 

Bobby. Well, but we must take a chance. Love is a lot¬ 
tery, anyhow. 

Eleanor. Is it? 

Bobby. Yes, all lovers have been gamblers, even since 
Adam and Eve. 

Eleanor. W ere Adam and Eve gamblers ? 

Bobby. Certainly. They shook a pair o’dice r 

Eleanor. Father has no right to object to you just be¬ 
cause you are poor. It’s no crime to be poor. 

Bobby. Oh, yes it is. And the punishment is hard labor. 
We must raise the money. 

Eleanor (coming closer). But how? 

Bobby (taking her hands). Let’s put our heads together. 

Eleanor. We might. 

Bobby (earnestly). If I should kiss you, would you call 
for your folks? 

Eleanor. Not unless you wanted to kiss the whole 
family! 

(Duet and dance by Bobby and Eleanor. Use a bright 
catchy song , letting Bobby and Eleanor take alternate lines. 
Use chorus if desired , and exit all at close.) 

Enter Agatha, L., and Don, R., meeting at C. 


20 IN HOT TAMALE LAND 

Agatha. Have you seen Mr. McWhackle about, Don 
Soda ? 

Don. No madam, I have not. 

Agatha. I am worried about him. He has been out of 
my sight over twenty minutes. 

Don. You don’t trust him, then, madam? 

Agatha. I don’t trust any man, Don Soda. 

Don. But some women marry them. 

Agatha. Some women have smallpox, too, for that 
matter. A man and his wife are supposed to be one, but 
more often they’re ten. 

Don. How’s that? 

Agatha. Lie’s one and she’s nothing. 

Don. Well, I guess *the women you know must be dif¬ 
ferent from the ones here. 

Agatha. How so ? 

Don. Well, a man and his wife are one here,—the only 
question is whi£h one. 

Agatha. I don’t think there’d be any question about that 
in my case. 

Don. No, I hardly think so myself. 

Agatha. But we are wasting time. I must find Ezra 
without delay. 

Don (offering arm). If I may accompany you, Miss 
Fidget, I should be charmed. 

Agatha. Well, I am not anxious for the pleasure, but 
if you insist. (Exit both, L.) 

Enter LIerald with bugle, bell or horn. 

Herald (banding). Hear ye! Hear ye! Tomorrow 
will be amateurs’ day in the arena. Don Soda di Poppo 
offers ten thousand dollars to the man who will meet and 
conquer El Toro, the savage and untamed! 

Enter Ned, Dick and Bobby, arm in arm, R. 

Ned (to Herald). What’s that you’re hollering about? 

Herald. Don Socla offers ten thousand dollars to the 
man who will meet and conquer El Toro, the savage and 
untamed! 




IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


21 


Dick. How much? 

Herald. Ten thousand. 

Ned. Just for one bullfight? 

Herald. Yes. 

Ned. Spot cash? 

Herald. Yes. (Going.) Ten thousand dollars to the 
man, who— (etc. Exit f calling , R.) 

Ned (excited). Listen to that, Bobby, old man. This is 
your chance. Here’s where you raise the ten thousand. 

Bobby (disgusted). Rot! It’s impossible. 

Ned (enthusiastically). Nonsense. Nothing is impos¬ 
sible when you’re in love. 

Bobby (at C.). But what earthly chance should I have 
as a bullfighter? 

Dick (at R.). What earthly chance have you to earn 
ten thousand dollars any other way? 

Bobby. But I don't know the slightest thing about bull¬ 
fighting. 

Ned (at L.). That doesn’t matter. The fight doesn’t 
come off till tomorrow. You can study up. 

Bobby. Study up? 

Ned. Yes, there must be books published on the subject. 

Bobby. No, it’s too big a risk. (Goes up stage.) 

Dick. Risk nothing! Any man that’s willing to get 
married ought to be willing to take a few other chances. 
(Follows Bobby.) 

Ned (following). Yes, and besides, there’s the risk of 
losing the girl. 

Dick. How do you suppose she’ll feel when she hears 
you’re not even willing to tackle a measley little two-by- 
four bullfight for her sake. 

Ned. She’ll probably throw you down cold. (All come 
dozvn stage again quickly.) 

Dick. It’s your chance to become famous. 

Ned. We’ll be your seconds. 

Bobby. Seconds ? 

Ned. Yes, sit in your corner of the ring and fan you 


2 2 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


with a towel, like this. See? ( Business of fanning with 
handkerchief.) 

Bobby (considering). Well, if you think I stand any 
chance— 

Ned (enthusiastically). Of course you stand a chance. 
Now listen. There's to be a grand assembly soon to call 
for volunteers for the conflict. You dress yourself up as 
a regular toreador, present yourself when the herald calls 
for you, and you’ll knock ’em all cold. 

Bobby (disconsolately) . Yes, and then tomorrow El 
Toro will knock me all cold. 

Dick. Oh, come off. Faint heart never won fair lady. 

Bobby. No, but it never got killed in a bullfight, either. 

Ned (disgusted) . Oh don’t argue so. 

Dick. We’re wasting time. Go on, be a man. 

Bobby (deciding) . Well, all right. I will. But you 
must give me all the help you can. 

Dick and Ned. Sure. We’ll do that, count on us. This 
will be a cinch. (Exit all down R.) 

(Introduce Spanish dance or other specialty to give Bobby 
time to change to toreador costume.) 

Enter Ezra, Juanita and Senoritas up R., laughing and 
talking, Ezra surrounded by girls. 

Ezra. Girls, I haven’t been here very long, but I’m 
awfully glad we got acquainted, anyway. 

Juanita. You like it here? 

Ezra. Yes, indeed. All I hope is you won’t leave me. 

Juanita. Oh, don’t worry. 

Ezra. Girls, you make me think of Sister Fidget. You’re 
so different. I wonder where she is. My land,* but I do 
hate that woman! 

Juanita. She was with Don Soda di Poppo when we 
saw her. 

Ezra. I bet the Don wishes somebody had shot Colum¬ 
bus before he ever discovered America. But come on, 
girls, I’m a grass-widower. Let’s make hay while the sun 
shines. 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


23 


Juanita. What, are you a grass-widower? 

Ezra. Yes, my wife eloped with a chauffeur. Ever 
since then I can’t stand the sound of an automobile horn. 

Juanita. Ah, for fear it will bring back sad memories? 

Ezra. ’ No, for fear it is the chauffeur bringing back my 
wife! 

(Comic song and dance by McWhackle and Senoritas. 
Exit all at close.) 

Enter Dick and Juanita, L. 

Juanita. So you have been engaged before? 

Dick. Yes, I was engaged once, but the girl and I had 
a falling out. 

Juanita. How was that? 

Dick. The rope of the hammock broke. 

Juanita. No wonder you fell out. 

Dick. When I lost her, I thought the light of my life 
had gone out. 

Juanita. Do you still think so? 

Dick. No, I think now I’ve struck another match. 

Juanita. But can you make a living in- (localise). 

Dick. Oh, yes, anyone can make a living in- (local¬ 

ise). We have people there who get paid just for talking. 

Juanita. What do they talk about? 

Dick. Nobody knows. 

Juanita. Nobody knows? 

Dick. No, they talk all day long, but nobody under¬ 
stands what they say, and they don’t understand what any¬ 
body else says to them. 

Juanita. Who are they? 

Dick. The telephone girls. Look, here comes that herald 
again. Let’s go where we won’t be interrupted. (Exit 
both quickly.) 

(Grand Chorus , introducing the entire company. Enter 
Toreadors, Senoritas, American Boys and Girls, Sailors 
and all principals except Bobby and Ned. Group to show 
space at back. Use Toreador's song from “Carmen'' if pos- 




24 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


sible. Brass instruments on stage will add greatly. Try for 
pageant effect, with banners, scarfs and dowers.) 

Don. Now then, all is prepared, and the lists are open. 
What brave soul will offer to battle with El Toro? {Pause). 
Come now, just think of the price. Ten thousand^dollars to 
the man who conquers El Toro in the arena. 

Enter Ned, up R. 

Ned. One moment, Don Soda, if you please. A cham¬ 
pion has arrived. He is prepared to enter the arena prompt¬ 
ly at noon tomorrow, there to battle El Toro to the death. 
(Declaims majestically) . Strike up the trumpets. Beat 
the drums! Behold, a toreador now comes ! 

Finale by principals and chorus, during which Bobby 
enters dressed as a toreador. Great applause. Mc- 
Whackle faints in arms of Ned and Dick. 

£ Positions. ^ 

Dick, McWhackle, Ned, Bobby, Don, Eleanor, 

Agatha, Punko, Dolores, Juanita. 


Curtain 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


25 


Act II. 

Scene: Same as Act /, that afternoon. Rise of curtain 
with soft music reveals Eleanor alone. 

Eleanor. Oh, dear, I can’t help feeling worried about 
Bobby. Of course he’s very brave and daring, but I’m 
afraid he's taking a terrible risk for my sake. However, 
the contract’s all signed and sealed now, so he couldn’t with¬ 
draw if he wanted to, and there’s nothing to do but cheer up 
and make the best of it. 

(Solo by Eleanor, introducing chorus of Senoritas or 
American Girls, if desired. Exit all at close.) 

McWhackle, Agatha and Dick enter R. 

Ezra. I tell you it’s a joke. That boy doesn’t stand any 
more chance to win than a Democrat in— {localize). 

Dick. Oh, you can’t always tell, Mr. McWhackle. It’s 
often these little fellows that have the most stuff in them. 
Look at - {localize), for example. 

Ezra. Well, he’ll get the stuffing all knocked out of him 
if he tackles this bullfight. 

Agatha {sternly). Ezra! 

Ezra. Yes, my child. 

Agatha. I don’t want to hear another word against this 
young man. If he is killed you will be to blame. 

Ezra. Oh, but I never thought he’d do anything like this. 

Agatha. Of course you didn’t think. It requires brains 
to think. 

Ezra {to Dick). Suffering sassafras, but I do detest 
that woman ! 

Dick. But you’ll keep your promise, won’t you, Mr. 
McWhackle, about Eleanor? 

Ezra. Well, I don’t know whether I will or not. 

Agatha. Ezra! 

Ezra. Yes, angel face? 

Agatha. You will keep your promise! 

Ezra {very meekly). Yes, I will keep my promise. 



26 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Dick. Good for you. 

Ezra. That is, if I have to. But Bobby hasn’t one chance 
in the world to win. He’s bound to be killed. 

Dick. Well, if he is, there’s an elegant private graveyard 
for the funeral. 

Ezra. Don’t talk like that. You give me the willies. 

Agatha. Be more careful of your English, Ezra. .Say 
the Williams. 

Ezra ( going with hands to his head). Oh, my stars, this 
is awful. Oh why did I ever leave- (localise) ? (Exit 

a ^> Ned enters R. 

Ned. There goes poor old McWhackle. I bet the old boy 
is worrying. Sister Fidget is enough to worry anyone. 
Thank goodness I have something better to think of. 
Dolores is certainly a queen. I’m glad I met her in the 
shade of the sheltering palm. 

(Solo by Ned. Exit at close.) 

After Ned's solo, Bobby enters, walking slowly and read¬ 
ing a huge book until “Bullfights and How to Fight Them ” 
on the cover. 

Bobby (reading). “It is the duty of the picadors to tor¬ 
ment the savage beast until he becomes frantic with rage.” 
(Business, reads.) “The matadors wave scarlet cloaks, 
which will serve to still further infuriate him.” (Business.) 
This bull will be getting mad in a minute. (Reads.) “The 
pain of the banderillos, or steel-tipped darts, which have 
been flung at him, has aroused every drop of savage fury 
and hatred.” Gosh! (Reads.) “At this point of the fight 
the toreador enters the arena.” That’s me! (Reads.) 
“For the opening round he presents himself entirely un¬ 
armed, and takes a place directly in the path of the charging 
animal.” Oh my land, this is awful! (Reads.) “Standing 
unmoved in his tracks, he awaits with composure the mad 
onrush.” Oh, no, he doesn’t! This thing has gone far 
enough. “Stands unmoved.” “Every drop of savage hatred 
and fury.” Christopher Columbus! It makes my hair curl 
just to think of it. (Reads.) “A skillful toreador will 



IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


27 


sometimes leap entirely over the charging beast.” Yes, and 
an unskilled one will leap clear over the fence and beat it! 
Oh, this won’t do! I’ll find some other way to raise the ten 
thousand dollars. I was a fool to listen to those fellows. 

Ned and Dick enter L. 

Ned. Well, Bobby, is your soul in arms and eager for 
the fray? 

Bobby. No, it isn’t, not by a darned sight. I’m going to 
quit. 

Both {astonished). Quit! 

Bobby. Yes, quit. I was a fool to agree to do it in the 
first place. 

Dick. Oh, but you can’t do that. The whole thing’s 
arranged. 

Bobby {abruptly ). Well then, disarrange it. 

Ned {soothingly ). Now look here, old man, this won’t do 
at all. You’re just a little rattled, that’s all. You must 
study up a little. 

Bobby. That’s just what I have been doing. 

Dick. Oh, books don’t help you much. It’s practice. 

Bobby. Practice! 

Ned. It’s just like driving an auto. 

Bobby. Well, if I ever meet El Toro, I’ll probably get 
a puncture. 

Ned. Why don’t you try psychology on him? 

Bobby. What ? 

Ned. Don’t you know? The power of the human eye 
over animals is enormous. Now, psychology tells us that 
a man may often control the fiercest animal just by fixing 
him with the human eye. 

Bobby. Yes, but maybe this animal has never studied 
psychology. 

Dick. You ought to be able to put him to sleep entirely. 

Bobby. Oh, but I’m not a professor of psychology. Now 

if only Professor- {localize) were here to lecture to him, 

he could probably put him to sleep in a very short time. 

Dick. Well, you must practice. I’ll tell you what we 
might do. Let’s get a dog or something and try it. 



28 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


(Note: The following scene may be cut if a dog cannot 
be obtained.) 

Ned. Yes, we could use a bull dog. 

Dick. Let’s try it, anyway. I'll fetch Sport. (Exit R.) 

Bobby. It’s all very well for you fellows to talk like this, 
but I’m willing to quit. 

Ned. Why, you can’t quit now. You know what I told 
you. Eleanor would never forgive you if you backed out of 
a piffling little bullfight. If you don’t fight it'll look as if 
you didn’t care for her. 

Bobby. Yes, and if I do fight, it’ll look as if I don’t care 
for myself. 

Dick enters Rleading a dog by a chain. 

Dick. Here you are, old man. This ought to be a splen¬ 
did subject to practice on. 

Bobby. All right. Get him out where I can work on 
him. 

Ned. Yes, “take a place directly in the path of the ad¬ 
vancing animal.” 

Bobby. Oh, shut up. 

Ned. Why? 

Bobby. It sounds too darned realistic. 

Dick. Of course, this beast is a little too tame for real 
work. He ought to be frantic with rage. 

Ned. Yes, he ought to be aroused to the utmost limit of 
savage fury and hatred. 

Bobby. He probably will be when we get through. Shut 
up now, and give me a chance. Here Towser, look at me. 
(Makes motions of hypnotizing.) 

Ned (prompting dog). Here, don’t rubber round like 
that! Pay attention. 

Dick (same business). Look at him, darn it. Don’t look 
at me. 

Bobby. Wait. We need more action. How’s this? 
(More business of waving hands.) 

Dick. Doesn’t seem to mind it much. I guess he’s ex¬ 
cited. 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


29 


Bobby. I don’t blame him. I am, too. Come on, Towser. 
Look me in the eye! (Gets down on hands and knees.) 
Now gO' into a trance! 

Ned. Try growling at him, that might do. 

(Work up this business, ad lib.) 

Bobby. It’s no use, fellows. We’ve got to have some¬ 
thing more reliable than this human eye business to depend 
on. 

Dick. Well, it looks like that to me, too. Here; I tell 
you what. We’ll ditch the dog, and have a little real prac¬ 
tice. 

Bobby. How ? 

Dick ( going to wings). Here are some parasols left 
by the Senoritas. (Takes dog off stage and brings back a 
parasol and a large scarf.) You take this for a sword, and 
we’ll be the savage El Toro. (Hands parasol to Bobby.) 

Bobby. My, but you have a vivid imagination. Don’t 
get so excited. You might mistake the umbrella for a ban- 
derillo. 

Ned. What are those? 

Bobby. They are the steel-pointed darts the giddy torea¬ 
dor harpoons the bull with. 

(Dick puts his hands on Ned’s shoulders, lockstep fash¬ 
ion, and crouches slightly, with scarf over his back.) 

Ned. All right. Get your sword up. Here we come. 

(Ned and Dick charge, bawling “Moo, moo!’ Bobby 
runs, tries to climb arch of stage, etc.) 

Dick. No, no, that’s not it. Stand your ground. .Put on 
a bold front. 

Bobby. How can I put on a bold front when my only 

shirt is in the wash? (Goes L.) 

Ned. No, no. Stand still. Now, when El Toro charges, 
step lightly to one side and harpoon him. Try it. (Ned 
and Dick join up, as before, at extreme R. They paw the 
ground with their feet, bawl “moo, and charge. Bobby 
pokes Ned with parasol. Ned doubles up.) 


30 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Ned. Confound it! What are you doing? (Coughing 
and gasping.) 

Bobby {joyously). Putting-on a bold front. 

Ned. Well, you knocked all the wind out of me. 

Bobby {enthusiastically ). Oh, I’m getting on. Pm im¬ 
proving. Let’s have some more. 

Ned. Not me. I’m through. 

Dick. Enough is plenty for me. 

Bobby. Aw, you fellows are slow. I’m just getting 
started. Believe me, I’m going to be some little toreador 
when I get started. Lead me to the arena! You know you 
told me we’d fool old McWhackle yet. 

{Trio song and dance by Bobby, Ned and Dick. Use 
quick, lively song, with brisk steps on refrain. Exit all at 
close I 

Eleanor and Ezra enter L. 

Ezra. Well, I’ve done a lot of foolish things in my life, 
but the worst break of all was when I let your Aunt Agatha 
come on this trip. Gee-whillikens, but I do dislike that 
woman ! She’s so bossy. 

Eleanor. Oh father, you mustn’t mind her. That’s only 
her way. 

Ezra. Yes, but durn it, I don’t like her way. 

Eleanor. You know she’s always thinking of your in¬ 
terest. 

Ezra. I’m afraid she’s thinking of my principal, too. I 
wish she’d die, or get married, or something. 

Eleanor. Married? To whom? 

Ezra. That’s just it. If only Bobby Hunter wanted to 
marry her, I’d pay him a little something to do it. 

Eleanor. Oh no, father, that wouldn’t do at all. If 
you want to get rid of Aunt Agatha, why not arrange a 
match for her with Don Soda di Poppo? 

Ezra. Do you think he’d take a chance like that? 

Eleanor. Why not? He isn’t any too young or good 
looking himself. 

Ezra. Oh, I don’t believe—still—perhaps you’re right. 
It’s worth trying, anyway. I’ll hunt her up right now and 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


31 


give her a good start. Daughter, that’s a bright idea. 
Agatha Fidget as Mrs. Don Soda di Poppo. Well if that 
don’t beat the dickens! I’ll go chase her. (Quick exit L.) 

Eleanor. Well, what if she is a little older than she 
used to be? I’ve no doubt she would enjoy an affair of the 
heart just as much as I would. I’ll go and find Don Soda, 
and see if I can’t give him a hint! (Exit R.) 

(Note: While the following scene is intended chiefly 
for Punko and the Toreadors, it will he well to use all the 
chorus people, including Americans and Sailors, to help 
fill the stage. The whole episode should be played as a 
burlesque mob scene, with much cheering, groaning and re¬ 
sponsive clamoring by the mob, at points indicated. Do not 
allozv mob noises to conflict with Punko’s lines. For pho¬ 
netic purposes in mob scenes, pronounced indistinctly and 
with an angry drawl, the use of the word “rhu-barb!” is 
employed. Pronounced slowly, zvith each syllable pro¬ 
longed, it has a truly mobbish sound, and is permissable in 
travesty scenes such as this.) 

A confused murmur is heard off-stage L., zvith shouts, 
cheers and groans. Voices may be distinguished yelling, 
Down zvith strike-breakers!” “We want a closed shop!" 

“Time-and-a-half for overtime,” and so on. Punko enters 
L., surrounded by Toreadors, then Full Chorus enters R. 
and L. The mob keeps in restless motion and continues 
shouting until Punko speaks. A Toreador brings a soap 
box and places it up C. 

Punko (mounting box and signalling for silence). Torea¬ 
dors ! Matadors! Pickadors! Cuspidors! (The mob 
quiets.) Members of the Toreadors’ Union, Local Num¬ 
ber 23! 

Chorus {waving arms). Hurrah! 

Punko. The time has come for us to assert our rights! 

Chorus. Hurrah! 

Punko. I am standing at this minute in a situation that 
is fraught with danger! 

A Sailor. Get a stronger box. 


32 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Chorus. Hurrah! 

Punko ( ignoring the interruption). We stand today at 
the weighing of the parts. 

Chorus. What? 

• Punko. L mean the parting of.the ways. 

Chorus (in confused clamor). That’s right! You said 
it! Stand by Local Number 23! Attaboy! 

Punko. Members of Local 23 ! Do you want to see 
your union destroyed? Will you allow a base usurper to 
put his foot on your necks? 

Chorus. No, no! 

Punko. Members of the local, stick together. Remem¬ 
ber the old saying, in Spanish onions there is strength. 
(The clamor breaks out afresh.) But why do I call you 
together thus? 

A Sailor. You can search me. 

Punko. Why do I summon you in solemn assembly? 

Another Sailor. What is this; a guessing contest? 

Third Sailor. Don't ask us; tell us. 

Punko. Citizens of Hot Tamale Land, our liberties are 
threatened! The foundation of our greatness is under¬ 
mined ! Don Soda has invited a non-union toreador to 
enter the arena! 

(Bedlam breaks loose. Toreadors shake fists and jabber 
volubly. Use Spanish words if possible. The crowd surges 
and seethes, Toreadors arguing with Americans, etc.) 

Punko ( gradually getting attention). Members of Lo¬ 
cal 23. The hour of destiny is striking! 

An American. I thought it was the bullfighters that 
were striking. 

Punko. Shall we be robbed of our rights? 

Chorus. No! 

Punko. Shall we tolerate the open shop? 

A Toreador. A thousand nevers! 

Punko. Come! Away to the arena! Let us summon 
the toread(*rs! 

Chorus. Hurrah! 

Punko. The cast is dyed ! 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


33 


A Sailor. What color? 

Punko. I mean the dye is cast. Come! Away; away! 

(The uproar is more violent than ever. Two Toreadors 
raise Punko on their shoulders. They march once around 
stage, follo7ved by Toreadors and rest of Chorus, then all 
exit L. Quick, stirring music will add to the effect.) 

Agatha and Don enter R. 

Agatha (amiably). Ah, Don Soda, perhaps if I had 
known you earlier, 1 might have had a better impression 
of mankind in general. 

Don (bowing). You flatter me, Sehorita. 

Agatha. My brother-in-law, McWhackle, for example, 
is such a coarse, crude person. 

Don. Why, he told me he was one of the four hundred. 

Agatha. Well, if he is, he’s one of the ciphers. But 
you, Don (admiringly), I can see you are a true son of 
Castile. 

. Don (proudly). My father was the man who invented 
Castile soap. 

Agatha. Now, these young men are so flighty. 

Don. I think one of them is up in the air just at present. 

Agatha. Yes, that foolish Bobby person. For my part, 
I can’t think what he sees in the simple child Eleanor. But 
then love is blind. 

Don. Yes, but marriage is an eye-opener. 

Agatha (giggling). Oh, Don, you are so witty. 

Don. Well a true son of Castile would naturally shine. 

Agatha (giggles again). You foolish man. 

Don. Agatha—Aggie—may I press an ardent kiss— 

Agatha (suddenly severe). Yes, but wait. Those mus¬ 
taches of yours, Don. Are they quite hygienic? 

Don. Why, I think— 

Agatha. Ah, but we must take no chances. Let us be 
ardent, yes; but let us also be sanitary and salubrious. 
Allow me. (Takes atomizer from hand bag and sprays Don's 
mustache). Now. (Don kisses her. Sentimentally.) Soda, 
my love! 



34 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Don. Yes, honeybunch? 

Agatha (matter-of-fact) . You need a shave! 

Dolores enters L. 

Dolores. Father, you ought not to he wasting time here. 

Don. Don’t worry, my child, I’m not wasting any time. 
(Puts arm around Agatha.) 

Dolores. Yes, but you are needed over at the arena. 
The toreadors are all very excited, and Punko Doro is stand¬ 
ing on a soap box making a speech to them. 

Don. That’s bad business. We shall have trouble if we 
don’t watch out. Aggie, let us go together and see what 
can be done. 

Agatha. Calm yourself, Soda, calm yourself. I will 
speak to them. (Don and Agatha exit L.) 

Dolores. Well, I declare, that old lady seems quite taken 
by father. In fact, I think father will be quite taken by 
her if he doesn’t watch out. Well, there’s something very 
charming about these Americans. I think I could learn to 
love one if I tried. 

(Solo by Dolores, who remains on stage after song.) 

Ned enters. 

Ned. That’s a pretty song. 

Dolores. I’m glad you like it. 

Ned. And a pretty singer, too. 

Dolores. That depends on whom you ask. 

Ned. Oh, I dare say a blind man might not think so. 

Dolores. Are you enjoying your visit? 

Ned. Yes, indeed. 

Dolores. Isn’t the scenery beautiful? 

Ned (gazing at her). Lovely beyond description. 

Dolores. But you’re not looking at it. 

Ned. I’m looking at the only scenery that has any attrac¬ 
tion for me. 

Dolores. Oh, I can’t see that I’m so beautiful. 

Ned. No, but everyone else can. 

Dolores. You’re quite hopeless. 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


35 


Ned. I know it, dear. I’m in the incurable ward of the 
seventh heaven of happiness. 

Dolores. Then you’ve gone quite far enough. 

Ned. We only met today, but I believe I’ve loved you all 
my life. 

(Duet by Ned and Dolores. Use a love ballad. Exit 
both at close.) 

Bobby and McWhackle enter from L. 

Bobby. The mistake you made, Mr. McWhackle, was in 
sizing up your man. 

Ezra. Well, you don’t size up very far. 

Bobby. Ah, you thought a little man couldn’t fight. That’s 

what - (mention big prize fighter) thought, too. Don’t 

answer. You demanded ten thousand. (Haughtily.) All 
right. I’ve got it for you. That is, I will have it tomorrow. 

Ezra. But I never intended you to get it this way. I 
meant you to work for it. 

Bobby. No, Mr. McWhackle. You shall see me win the 
money at one fell stroke. (Descriptively.) First the mata¬ 
dors and picadors will rouse El Toro till he becomes frantic 
with rage. 

1 Ezra. They will, will they? 

Bobby. When he is maddened to the utmost limit of sav¬ 
age fury, I shall place myself, unarmed, directly in his path. 
(Strikes attitude.) 

Ezra (worried). Stop. 

Bobby (matter-of-fact). Possibly I shall leap clear over 
him a couple of times, just to warm up. 

Ezra (going L.). That’s enough, that’s plenty. I don’t 
want to hear any more. 

Bobby. When the picadors have flung their banderillos— 

Ezra (repeats protests and exits L.). 

Bobby. Well, I seem to have got the old boy’s goat, any¬ 
way. Now if I can only get El Toro’s, all will be well. I 
do wish I could find Eleanor. I haven’t told her I love her 
for nearly an hour now. 

(Solo by Bobby. He stays on stage after song, and —) 



36 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Dolores enters from R. 

Dolores. Ah, you are the brave hero who is to battle 
with El Toro. 

Bobby. Yes, Seriorita, I’m the guy. 

Dolores {admiringly) . Ah, you are so strong, so brave, 
so noble, so daring. 

Bobby {chesty). That’s me all over, Mabel. 

Dolores. And to think that El Toro has already killed 
seven men. 

Bobby {business of dismay). How many did you say? 

Dolores. Seven. 

Bobby {relieved). Oh, only seven. I thought you said 
seventy. Well, seven isn’t many. There have been more 
than that killed in a railroad wreck. 

Dolores. But El Toro is so huge, so terrible. He killed 
the last man by crushing him to death. 

Bobby {shivers). Oh, think of that! 

Dolores. But the man before that; El Toro ran his horns 
into him and threw him over the grandstand roof. 

Bobby {business). Was the roof very high? 

Dolores. Ninety feet. 

Bobby. Going up! Perhaps we had better change the 
subject. What’s that pretty place up there {pointing off¬ 
stage) ? 

Dolores. That’s the cemetery. 

Bobby {jarred afresh). Cemetery? 

Dolores. Yes, where they bury all the toreadors who 
are killed in the arena. 

Bobby. Oh. {business.) Are there many of them—er— 
planted there? 

Dolores. About a thousand. 

Bobby. A thousand ! But—er—didn’t any of them die— 
er—natural deaths? 

Dolores. Oh, no ! Every one was gored to death in the 
arena. 

Bobby. Gored! {Business.) Good gosh! 

Punko, very mad, enters L. 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


37 


Punko. Ah, ha. I have found you! You are discovered! 

Bobby. My land ! This must be Christopher Columbus! 

Punko. So, you are the fellow who dares to insult our 
union! {Points to Bobby's nose.) Scab! Scab! 

Bobby. Oh, no. That’s not a scab. It’s just sunburn 
makes my nose peel like that. 

Punko. Do you suppose I, Punko' Doro, walking dele¬ 
gate of Local Number Twenty-three, Bullfighters’ Union of 
Hot Tamale Land, will permit a non-union toreador to enter 
the arena? Never! 

Dolores. Now look here, Punko, there’s no use quarrel¬ 
ing with this man. Father is the man you must speak to. 
He arranged this fight. 

Punko. Yes, I shall tell him! I shall warn him! Once 
let this scab set foot in the arena, and we will call every 
toreador in Hot Tamale Land out on a ninety-nine years’ 
strike. Bullfighting will come to an end forever! 

Bobby. And a minute ago I thought I was to come to an 
end forever. 

Punko {dramatically). There will be no fight! 

Bobby {modestly). Well, I never did think there’d be 
much of a one. 

Dolores. Father will give up anything rather than have 
the men strike. 

Bobby. Yes, but wait a minute. If you call ofif this fight, 
how will I get my ten thousand dollars? 

Punko. What do I care about that? Come, child, we 
must find your father at once. {Exit L., dragging Dolores 
with him.) 

Bobby {alone). Gosh, but that man has a mean disposi¬ 
tion! No fight, no ten thousand. No ten thousand, no girl. 
This won’t do at all. We’re back to where we started. No, 
there must be a fight. I’m going to hold old Soda Poppo to 
his promise. 

Juanita, Eleanor and Dick enter R. 

Eleanor. Have you heard the good news, Bob ? Punko 
Doro is trying to stop the fight. 

Bobby. You don’t call that good, do you? 


38 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Eleanor. Why not? 

Bobby. Because if there’s no fight, I can’t get the money 
to marry you. 

Eleanor. But I probably shouldn’t be able to marry you 
anyway. 

Bobby. Heavens ! Why not ? 

Eleanor. Because you’d probably be killed in the fight. 

Bobby. Well, if I can’t marry you, I want to be killed. 

Dick. Yes, but if you are killed what good would the 
ten thousand do? 

Juanita. But if he doesn’t fight he won’t get it. 

Bobby. Stop. I’m so rattled now I don’t know whether 
I’m coming or going. Talk about something else. 

Dick. What, for example? 

Bobby. Well, you, for example. What are you doing 
with that shy Senorita? 

Juanita. We are two souls with but a single thought. 

Bobby. What? He’s proposed to you. You’re in love! 

Dick. You said something that time. 

(Song by Bobby, Eleanor, Dick and Juanita. Exit all 
at close.) 

Enter Don, R., and Ned, L. They meet at C. 

Don. Quick, quick, Mr. Ned! Where is the Bobby per¬ 
son ? 

Ned. I expect he’s with the girl. You know girls who 
go fishing usually have a bob on the string. 

Don. I must find him at once. 

Ned. Why? 

Don. Things are in a fearful state. The- whole union is 
out on strike, and the men say they’ll stay out for ninety- 
nine years unless I cancel Bobby’s contract. 

Ned. Tell them to go to thunder. 

Don. Oh, I can’t do that. Local Number Twenty-three 
is immensely strong. Of course, I hate to give up this 
fight, but I’d rather do that than give up bullfighting alto¬ 
gether. There isn’t a moment to waste. Here he comes 

now ' Bobby enters L. 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


39 


Don (to Bobby). You’re just the man I want to see. 

Bobby (calmly). Well, here I am. Take an eyeful. 

Don. I have decided to cancel the fight. The union in¬ 
sists on a closed shop. 

Bobby (haughtily). You mean you do not wish me to 
slaughter El Toro after all? 

Ned. That’s it. He l s cancelled. 

Bobby. Oh, no. I can’t allow that. I won’t agree to it. 

Ned and Don. What? 

Bobby. No, indeed. Remember who I am, the champion 
bullfighter of — (localize). 

Don. Did you come from-? 

Bobby. Yes. Wouldn’t you? 

Don. Maybe. 

Bobby. Yes, sir. I have a record to maintain. I have a 
rep’ to live up to. I have promised to kill El Toro, and I 
shall keep my word! 

Don (alarmed) . But the whole sport will be ruined if 
you persist. 

Bobby (off-hand). What do I care about the sport? 
Didn’t we both sign a contract for this fight? (Producing 
papers.) 

Don. Yes. 

Bobby. All right. Then I shall hold you to the contract. 

Don (coaxing). Give it up. 

Bobby (firmly). Never. 

Don (pleading). But you must. If you insist on this 
fight, it will ruin my chances for future happiness. 

Bobby. And if I give it up, it’ll ruin my chances- for 
future happiness. 

Don (business-like). Look here. Let’s be reasonable. 
If you’ll give up that contract, I’ll make it worth your while. 

Bobby. How much ? 

Don. A thousand dollars. 

Bobby. No. 

Don. Two thousand. 

Bobby. No. 

Don. Five thousand. 



40 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


Bobby. No. 

Don. How much, then ? 

Bobby. If you want me to give up the fight, it’ll cost you 
just ten thousand buckaroos. 

Don. Make it less. 

Ned. Don’t you do it. 

Bobby. Not a cent. 

Don {resigned) . Well, if I must, I must. It hurts me, 
but I’ll do it. Ten thousand cash. 

Bobby. Yes, sir. And we’ll cancel the whole thing the 
minute I get it. 

Don. All right. Come on down to the palace, and I’ll dig 
up the kale. {Exit all , R.) 

{Musical number, such as a Spanish dance or a drill. All 
participants exit at close.) 

McWhackle and Eleanor enter L. 

Ezra. Well, my dear, I guess we’re pretty good match¬ 
makers. 

Eleanor. Yes, the Don has evidently come to the point. 

Ezra. I hope he don’t go back on his word. He’s so 
worried about this darned fight he hasn’t time for much 
else. However, I guess that event is all off now. 

Eleanor {distressed). Yes, it was Bobby’s one chance 
to win that money, and now it’s gone forever. 

Ezra {easily). Oh, don’t worry about that. I always 
told you he’d never raise it. He never has and he never 
will. We might as well go. {Starts to go.) 

Don and Bobby enter R. 

Ezra. I was just saying, Don, that since the fight is 
called off, we might as well be leaving. Eleanor, you’d bet¬ 
ter say good-bye to the young feller. It ain’t likely as you 1 ! 
see him again. 

Bobby {dramatically). One moment, Mr. McWhackle. 

Ezra. What is it ? 

Bobby. This is important. Let me call some witnesses. 
Here, you. {Beckons off-stage.) 


IN HOT TAMALE LAND 


41 


Ned and Dolores, Agatha and Punko, Don and 
Juanita and entire Chorus enter quickly from all sides. 

Bobby^ Some time ago, I asked you for your daughter’s 
hand. 

Ezra. You did. 

Bobby. You told me that you would give your consent 
just as soon as I could produce ten thousand dollars cash 
that I had earned myself. 

Ezra. That’s so. 

Bobby. Does that agreement still hold good? 

.Ezra {amused). Oh, sure. 

Bobby. You promise it? 

Ezra. Yes. 

Bobby {put hands in pocket with grand flourish). All 
right, Mr. McWhackle, take a good look at this! {Tableau.) 

Ezra {all of a heap). Well, I guess that’s the real thing. 
All right, son. I’m a man of my word. Take her. She’s 
yours. {Hands Eleanor to Bobby.) 

All. Hurrah! 

Ezra. I guess the trip hasn’t been quite a failure, any¬ 
way, for we got rid of Agatha. Gosh, how I do dislike that 
woman! 

{Grand finale by Principals and entire Chorus.) 

Positions, R. to L. : Punko, Ned and Dolores, Ezra 
and Senoritas, Bobby and Eleanor, Don and Agatha, 
Dick and Juanita. 


Curtain 


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Mary’s Millions 

BY 

Frederick G. Johnson 

A RURAL COMEDY in 3 acts; 5 males, 6 females, 
extras optional. Time, 2 hours. Scenes: 1 interior, 
1 exterior. 

CHARACTERS. 


Jack Henderson.A Civil Engineer 

Jimmie Barnes.His Friend from New York 

Ezra Stoneham.The Village Storekeeper 

Abija Boggs.A Human Flivver 

Victor de Selles.An Imported Product 

Jane Stoneham.Ezra’s Better Halt 

Eudora Smith.The Stoneham’s Hired Girl 

Lola de Selles.Victor’s Sister 

Mrs. Mudge.Wedded to Her Ouija Board 

Betty Barlow.A Country School Teacher 

Mary Manners...An Heiress to Millions 


Members of the Choir. 

“When I go after a side partner, she’s going to be 
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“Say—honest—is there anybody in this one-horse town 
that has a million dollars?’’ “I’ve read books, I have, 
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what a difference just a few millions make.” “The 
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T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 















A Royal Cut-Up 

BY 

Geoffrey F. Morgan 


A MUSICAL COMEDY in 2 acts; 10 principals (7 
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PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS. 


Hittemup. 

Tutti-Frutti. 

Jack Hastings. 

Tom and Harry. 

Wallflower. 

Phlox. 

Princess Poppy. 

Rose . 

Duchess Bazaza. 

Students, Flower Fairies, 


.King of Hocus-Po 

.His Chamberlain 

...A High School Student 

.His Friends 

.A Public Menace 

. ..An Escaped Slave 

.The King’s Daughter 

.Her Friend 

.Mistress of Etiquette 

Messengers, Guards, etc. 


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situation, and allowing for plenty of local quips. 

Price, 35 Cents. 


T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 













Plays for Schools and Colleges 

THE HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN 

By Charles Ulrich. Comedy in 3 acts; 12 males. Time, 
2 hours._ Price, 25 Cents. 

THE KINGDOM OF HEART’S CONTENT 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 12 fe¬ 
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MACBETH A LA MODE 

By Walter Ben Hare. Burletta in 3 acts; 7 males, 7 
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MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Comedy-drama in 3 acts; 4 
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A POOR MARRIED MAN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Farce-comedy in 3 acts; 4 males, 
4 females. Time, 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

A PRAIRIE ROSE 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy-drama in 4 acts; 
7 males# 4 females. Time, 2 y 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

THE REAL THING AFTER ALL 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 7 males, 9 fe¬ 
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RE-TAMING OF THE SHREW 

By John W. Postgate, Shakespearean travesty in 1 act; 
6 males, 5 females. Time, 45 minutes. Price, 25 Cents. 

RUTH IN A RUSH 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 5 males, 7 fe¬ 
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SAVAGELAND 

By Walter Ben Hare. Musical comedy in 2 acts; 5 
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SING A SONG OF SENIORS 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedietta; 7 females. Time, 30 
minutes. __ Price, 25 Cents. 

STAR BRIGHT 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy-drama in 3 acts; 
6 males, 5 females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

ZARAGUETA OR MONEY TALKS 

Translated from the Spanish by Clarence Stratton. 

Comedy in 2 acts; 7 males, 4 females. Time, 2 hours. 

Price, 35 Cents. 

T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 


T-1021 

















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